nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
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lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.