Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Who needs an Air Fryer?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.