My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.