This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.