I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother