Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.