GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
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I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.