Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Get off my horse you stupid moon
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.