I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
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I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
This why you should mind your business
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing