ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
You Might Also Like
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.