If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
You Might Also Like
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My god she’s good.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.