My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Europe. Made in Germany.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂