*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
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When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.