I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.