haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.