[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
the three branches of government
Lucky for them, they’re cute
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this