Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
You Might Also Like
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
ATMs should have breathalyzers
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?