Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
You Might Also Like
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
who did the taste test?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.