THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal