Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
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me: my friends:
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
can’t catch a break
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING