Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Left at a local drug store…
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?