It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
School be like
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby