[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Breaking news:
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.