The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
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BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
This anagram machine is out of order.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”