A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes