[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*