All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
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Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
The first one, obviously
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.