*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t