[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
You Might Also Like
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
greetings!