My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.