Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”