Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination