is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
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Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.