[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
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Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No