Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
*pronounces fake like saké*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
won’t smith
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The Friday File.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich