Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
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Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.