DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
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Intelligence is the new cleavage
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic