vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey