Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
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just witnessed a drug deal
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.