I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
live long and prosper!