My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.