I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME