All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Did my cat write this
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon