I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
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Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
How is it still this week?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.