YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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Love is always patient and kind.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Meanwhile in Canada…
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁