I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
drew a comic about my origin story
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.