It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You Might Also Like
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Sending in my taxes