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Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*