You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle