I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
The pen is writier than the sword.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda